Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
