I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
