she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
