the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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