The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
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