Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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