help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize