Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Randomize
