I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
