i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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