I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
