if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
i love accidental penises.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
