How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
