I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
