Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
