I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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