When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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