I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
