I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
this just has baby written all over it
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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