I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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