cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
