im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
It's blow job season.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
