This is not my ceiling
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
