disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
