I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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