okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
