yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
