This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
