sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
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