Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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