I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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