how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
