Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
