Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize