awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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