Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
