So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Randomize
