Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
