So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
