mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
