Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
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