You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
