I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
