You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Randomize
