my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
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