I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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