I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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