Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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