My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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