I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
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