I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
