Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Randomize
