Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
