I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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