Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
