Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
