The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
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