Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
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