haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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