I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
