...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Randomize
