I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
