If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
